No thanks, real life
Well, I’m still going! I’ve officially survived the first 2 weeks back to work – proper adulting and shit! When I say survived I’m sort of feeling like a less bloody version of James Franco at the end of 27 Hours – having to leave my arm (my baby) behind while I drag my tired ass through the week. No thanks, real life.
What do you mean I’m a drama queen?! Okay so it’s not all doom and gloom. There have been moments of clarity where I’ve thought to myself, okay I’ve got this. Namely the first week where I took on the role of organisation QUEEN. I’m talking meals prepped, bags packed each evening, smoothies prepared for the morning – I even found time to bake flapjacks! But I soon realised this was not sustainable and pretty much burnt out. I can’t dooo thissss!
The tiredness is a shock to the system, I must admit. On MAT leave you can just stay in your pj’s all day or have a little cry to one of the features on This Morning. But now I have to pretend I have my shit together – I am a strong, confident woman. Of course, it helps that I work for a bakery supplier so if all else fails I can turn to cake as a short-term solution – sorry belly!
It will get easier, so they say. It definitely helps to have an amazing support network around. There are others at work in the same boat so it’s nice to share stories and struggles to help keep us going! My weekly Mummyfit sessions are a lifesaver and our family are all pitching in to help us while Rich is off his feet. Having Wednesday’s off is a god send. My mood level throughout the week goes something like this:
- Monday – Tbf does anyone like Monday’s?
- Tuesday – Okay I can do this, tomorrow is my day off, yay!
- Wednesday – Aaaand relax. But wait, I have one day and 74549 million things to do?! I just want to spend some guilt-free time with my boy!
- Thursday – Back here again, why is the week so long!
- Friday – Fri-nally! Spend the day holding my eyelids open and feeling a strange sense of achievement for avoiding a breakdown this week.
The guilt thing is the worst. Surely there’s a book or something to tell me if I’m doing things right? If only I could afford a cleaner.. and a chef.. oh and a dog walker! I feel guilty leaving him, obviously. But when I am with him I feel guilty if my mind is anywhere else. I feel guilty being the first to leave work at 5pm, guilty letting him crawl around on a dirty floor, guilty taking time for myself when my time with him is now so limited. I know I need to change the way I look at things but man IT’S HARD!
On the plus side, JJ has taken to nursery like a duck to water! Not bothered in the slightest being left while I’m stood there at the door holding back the tears shouting byeeee (hey LOOK AT ME! ) His immune system is already taking a battering though bless him, week 2 has brought lurgy number 2 – wonderful – and his routine is all over the place. But his face when I walk through the door each evening is priceless and melts me back from stressy-work mode to pure love and happiness!
I should probably give the moaning a rest now.. it is Saturday after all! But I wanted to give an honest account so hopefully I can look back when things eventually do get easier and think yeah, I’m smashing this working-mum thing now (positive vibes and all that) and say to all the working mamas out there – I salute you!